Watching a life fall into decay|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in
Worthless Whore's LiveJournal:
|Monday, May 30th, 2005|
She knows. I don’t know how. But she knows. My entire life is falling down around me. Last night was awful I barely know how I got through it. Then, things got bad today, like I knew they would, when it came time to eat.
I tried to go up to my room and throw it away. But she wouldn’t let me. I had to sit at the table and she forced me to eat. Again. Then I ran up to my room. She came in, even though I told her to go away. It ended up with my in tears the entire time again. She knows I’m bulmic… I really don’t know how she knows but she does. Fuck. She asked me how long it’s been going on. I was vague but she finally got out that it’s been six months. She kept asking how often I do it. I wouldn’t say. So she came to the conclusion that it’s more than I’d like her to know about. I know she’s only doing this because she cares about me. She wants me to be “healthy” I wish she’d fuck off. I don’t WANT to be healthy. I want to be thin. I don’t care about anything else. Why can’t she just leave me alone? If she didn’t force me to eat, I wouldn’t have to throw it up again. She keeps telling me I’m not ok, that I look awful. Yeah, my point. I do look awful. She left me alone in the end, but I know I’m going to have to resume the conversation again. Going to have to fight another battle in this war at 6pm. I don’t WANT to eat. I don’t need to. Why won’t everyone just leave me alone??? Please. Please. Please.
|Tuesday, April 26th, 2005|
Out of it today. Totally exhausted without reason. My hand is bruised and swollen but thankfully not too bad and now I can write which is an improvement on last night. Aching all over in general from moshpits. What a relief to punch and be punched by total strangers. Binged, purged... pretty regulation day all in all. Current Mood: tired
|Monday, April 25th, 2005|
I'm having seriosu anger management issues right now. Today was not good. First lesson, I was told exactly how far my ex has been with his new girlfreind. All the way. I can't believe it. He seems so shy and according to the rumors she is fridgid. Yeah, right. I can't even look at him anymore, not that I could before. I usualy feel sick when I find out things like that but I didn't feel anythng. i do't think it's sunken in.
My best freind came in at break time. She wanted me to come to chemistry with her. I didn;t want to go to chemistry with her. She stormed off. I went mad. Screamed at sevral people. Oh, for fucks sake.
Lunch time was a bundle of laughs, too. My ex's freind kept coming over and taunting me. It ended u with me screaming that I know they think i'm mad and why wont they admit it. Chirst, I knwo what they think of me. Why deny it?
On the way home, I found out that my best freind feels she isn;t seeing anough of me. I screamed. Seeing enough of me? She;s smothering me. Oh, this is so ironic.
Teen was mixed. It was ok to a point. My best freind started complaining she wanted to go look for some others so could we go in the other room. So guess who obliged? Anyway we were in the other room and she suddenly goes all spaced out. She sits down for a century and then says she feels ill. I end up buying her water. Then we are on our way into the other room when some girl stubs out her fag on my arm. Nice. then she starts screaming at me, calling me a stupid bitch, Yeah, atcually that wasn't intentional. Anyway we end up in the loos with my freind saying she feels ill and me spalshing water up my arm. then a song she likes comes on and she's fine. Then she sinks to the floor. I can't just keep on standing there like a lemon. In the end I tell her I'm going back over to the others and to come get me if she needs. I feel really guilty for leaving her but really guilty for not being with my boyfreind whatever. I go over, tell them she's ill then cave into what I've been longing to do all day and punched a wall. My hand went entirely red and a few of my knuckels are slightly grazed. But I think it will be ok. even though it's agony at the moment to straighten out my fingers. Writing tomorrow is going to a joy. Everyone tries calming me down. My boyfreinds mate takes me over to my bestfreind thinking we;ve had an argument. They sort her out, I think. I end up totaly zoned, staring into space sitting on the stairs hidden in someones giant trench coat. Another of my boyfreid's freinds - The Russian comes over and started talking to me. I didn;t take in much of what he said but he said if my best freind doesn't start listening, he'll make her listen. I'm really not sure if that's the right way to go about it. I read her journal. She feels left out of the group. What can I say? We aren;t intentionaly trying to leave her out and I mean she got off with sevral people tonight. What more does she want? She's becoming like a weed, strangling me and killing me.
One bright point to the day. I mannaged not to eat. Current Mood: angry
|Sunday, April 24th, 2005|
Binged. Purged. Well, that's routine. A routine I'm trying to get out of. But I had to eat Friday AND Saturday. Whatever. My freind asked me how I was feeling about my best friend. Not good. Started ranting, had to go exercise or I'd have punched a wall. My mother came up. Told me to calm down. That IS me calming down. She told me to stop but I wouldn't. Calmer now. Teen tomorrow. My best freind will be there. Luckily it's so noisy I won't be able to snap as she won't hear me. God, I mosh pit. Punching peolple and being punched is just what I need. Current Mood: annoyed
|Monday, April 11th, 2005|
Back to school. Still feel so guilty and awful. Binged this evning. Purged as usual. I'm s fucking disgusting. Current Mood: Meh
|Friday, April 8th, 2005|
|What Have I become?
He fingered me. I feel so dirty. Part of me enjoyed it. The other part is consumed by guilt. It also hurt. A lot. And he felt my scars. I don't know what to do. No-one knows, yet. I don't know who I can tell. She'd normaly be my first port of call. But this time it's so different.I feel so lost and alone. Current Mood: dirty
|Wednesday, March 9th, 2005|
|0 to bitch in .0000352 seconds
Today was ok up until a point. I had a history test which I totaly messed up but wasn't in too bad a mood. Some guys were mucking aroudn and stole my shoe. I was laughing along too, until it got to my ex and his girlfriend. Then, it stopped being funny. I started screaming fuck you and tellign anyone that came near me to fuck off, piss off or go fucking die. That was one hell of a mood swing. Purged after foor then went and fucking ate again. I'm so fucking weark, but I did exercise a bit. Current Mood: angry
|Tuesday, March 8th, 2005|
Purged last night and yet again couldn't stop throwing up. It's so horrible, and now I'm totaly paranoid about getting caught. I must have torn my throat a little beacuse I saw blood. I can barely talk today but am blaming it on some 'cold'. I'm also aching all over form the exercise. Today wasn't too dreadful, I guess. I nearly fainted when I got home and the door was locked. My grandpa had forgotten to unlock the door, that was all, but I immideatly expected the worse. I really have to find some way to get over this paranoia. Current Mood: meh
|Monday, March 7th, 2005|
|Paranoia in which I feel that I'm not strong enough. Blood into my hands. Blood into my hands...
I cut last night. It was six days since the last time. I’m getting worse but I’m not as bad as I was, say last April. I got blood everywhere, the were drops on the floor and my hands were completely smeared. I ended up getting it on the light switch again but this time there was no one to see it. Woke up still feeling low today. My ex is still all over his new girlfriend. She was sitting on his lap, while I jus sat and watched them, remembering what his arms felt like wrapped around my waist, his hand entwine in mine. I don’t start manically scratching at my wrists anymore. The insane intensity has faded away leaving a dull, sore ache in it’s place. Right when this started off someone said “You’ve got to talk to them, it will only eat you up inside if you don’t.” I didn’t and insisted that there really wasn’t much left of me to eat. Well, he was right - there is nothing left inside of me anymore except that pain. I’m also so confused and paranoid about my boyfriend. Everything’s all mixed up in my head and I can’t even explain it straight to myself anymore, let alone anyone else. I’m not even sure if it is just the paranoia anymore or if I do have reason. He’s coming down this weekend, and I am so, so unbelievably scared you wouldn’t believe. I know it’s unreasonable but I’m terrified. I just want to lock myself in my room and hide. Current Mood: suffocated
|Sunday, March 6th, 2005|
I feel so shitty but don’t really have much of an explanation why. Just feeling generally low and crappy. I’m all tearful but nothing’s happened. Last night was a bad night, I binged loads and purged, but then I couldn’t stop throwing up. It was revolting, I kept having to run out to the kitchen, luckily my grandpa had gone to bed, so I didn’t get caught. Today was crappy, had loads of weird mixed up dreams, they were all pretty disturbing actually. Anyway, I bought a new box for my Germany things today which meant sorting through everything and putting it in the new box. It just hurt so much. Sifting through memories, immortalised in objects and photographs. I know I can never, ever get those memories back, no matter how hard I try. That first time in Germany was so perfect, so magical but I can never have it again, people have changed and so have I. I guess my expectations were so much higher the second time around, that’s why I got disappointed. But although it was never going to be the daydream I originally had, it didn’t have to be quite so awful. I feel like I’m losing two of my best friends, to each other and to other people. I had such an awful time I wanted to come home. Yet I’m torn, I also sort of want to stay there because things don’t seem real and I feel safer out there, like a child almost. It’s only just hit me that it’s over. That’s it for another year. And it was horrible. Nothing but tears, blood and lies. But it was the only thing getting me through the year. If that’s all that we hope for turns out to be why do we hope at all?
And I’m still so worried about my grandpa. I know I’ve always been paranoid as far as he’s concerned, but now it’s heightened to a peak that’s almost unbearable. Every time I get home from school and go to open the door, it’s like my heart is pounding so hard against my chest I’m going to throw up in case he doesn’t answer it. I just don’t know what I’d do without him and I can’t really talk to anybody about it.
I was reading my best friend’s lj and she went out last night, with one of my friends who she barely knows. Ok, I’m being childish and I guess I was happier being over grandpa’s house so I can check up on him than being paranoid at home but I feel really left out. She also says she’s on a diet. What the fuck for? She’s the same height as me and only eight stone. Bitch. What I wouldn’t give to be eight fucking stone. It makes me so mad when people who don’t need it go on diets.
Ate a lot more than I’d care to today. I’m so damn weak, but I had no chance to purge. Saying that, I was exercising, when I just randomly threw up. I’m going to have to be more careful than this or I’m going to get caught, then where will I be?
Monday tomorrow, back to feeling stupid and even fatter than normal. Back to watching my ex, who I still have so many feelings for with his tongue down his new, twig-thin and completely perfect in every way girlfriend’s throat. I know I’m going to be exhausted, but I can’t sleep, I think my insomnia is coming back. Just what I need, another disorder to add to my ever-growing list. Current Mood: low
|Friday, March 4th, 2005|
|The harsh, honest truth
My first new entry in a brand new diary. I already have a livejournal, but my closest freind know my username. I like that, we can post each other comments and have discussions, but there are some things I just can't post there. I want to post them, just not to anybody who knows who I really am, you see? There is a distinct possibility that no-one may ever read this. The thing that really triggered me to get this one, however is, in becoming addicted to lj, I have mentioned it and now people that I wouldn't actually count as freinds are asking for my username. So I decided to create this purely for me. A place where I can vent all of my pent up feelings to the world. Or to nobody at all. Anyway, on this journal NOTHING will be ommited. Everyhting will be included: the harsh, honest truth of my so called life. Current Mood: blah